My asseth has been kicketh

"Don't Get Cocky"

Today's sparring didn't go as well as last weeks.  Actually come to think of it, last week I still made the mistakes I did this week, I just went against people who made me pay for them.
I went in feeling fairly confident, I went against a girl who had a huge part in getting me where I am today.
and she beat the crap out of me.
I lost my confidence 30 seconds in, my brains went scrambled like eggs, and the adrenaline was only making me sloppy.  I walked into the same punch 3 or 4 times, then time out.
Then I went against one of the trainers.  I knew I had 3 more people to go up against and I had lost everything that I had. I honestly can say, I gave up trying during this one.  Then the swift kick to the gut knocked me on my knees without a breath in my body.
The only thought that went through my mind was "are you sure you are cut out for this part of it? Is this a goal that is necessary?" But I did get up, and the tears were caught in my throat.  Emotions ran really high and close to the skin, I just had to make it through 2 more matches, then I could stretch, and then I could go to my car and breakdown.  My eyes burned and the tears did attempt to squeeze out before I left the gym, but all and all, with blood running down my knee from the scab that just won't fucking heal, I made it to the corner.
No idea why the breakdown happened, but every emotion in the book was whirled up inside of me and I called my PIC and well, bawled.
and bawled.
and bawled.
and bawled.
It was as if every emotion that had been tucked away deep inside my psyche was released by that kick, and when my breath came back, I felt new and exhausted. A sort of baptism by fire.
I am lucky to have someone to listen to my rants and calm my tears.  He had great points, that it wouldn't hit this hard again--though of course, I would get hit this hard again, but that comes with the territory.

The emotional flow--the breakdown--though they may come again, it will never be as powerful as today.  Slowly but surely, they will get less and less.  I need to concentrate on what my counters are, where my hands are, and have a strategy.
Today I went in there messy and cocky.
Next week, I'm hoping for focused and humble.
I'm writing embarrassingly honest about this right now, because I hope to be able to look back on this in the next 6 months and well, laugh? learn? both?
As Roxy says, if it wasn't hard--everybody would do it.
So I need to brush myself off and go to class.  Next week, I will be there for sparing and the next week, and the week after that.
I will learn from my mistakes and continue to get better.
It is a process, not an immediate.